Discovering Your True Self: How to Live Authentically Beyond Titles and Achievements

Explore how to find your identity beyond external labels and build a life aligned with your core values—because who you are is more than what you do.

Craving an outcome anchors us to a future that does not exist and pulls us away from the peace of the present moment. – The Minimalists

I sat in a college counseling office as a sophomore who kind of sort of knew what she wanted from life and kind of sort of was lying to everyone—including myself—about what I wanted. A precious first-year clinical intern, peeling an orange, asked what seemed like a simple question: “Who are you?”

I shimmied up in my seat excited to answer… “I’m a resident assistant. I work in the office of the provost. I’m the chair of a committee. A barista at a coffee shop…” The list of titles went on and on.

Then she looked at me and said, “So you’ve told me your resume. Now, can you tell me who you are as a human being, instead of a human doing?”

Let’s just say her words stopped me in my tracks. A few colorful choice words raced through my mind, and I felt my face flush with anger. Did she not just hear how awesome I was? What did she not get about who I am?

And yet, she was right. At that point in my life, if I was stripped of all my titles and positions, my life would’ve turned into the Barbie movie soundtrack: “I used to float, now I just fall down. I used to know but I'm not sure now. What was I made for?”

A weird thing about adulting is seeking validation and finding identity in measurable outcomes. Titles, credentials, degrees, positions, property, income—these are all things that feel like tangible markers to endorse our success and establish our identity. Yet, all of these things don’t truly tell us who we are and who we’re becoming.

As a therapist to college students, some of the most confused and wandering students I’ve met are those who are dead set on a desired future career. Others who feel lost and as though they’re aimlessly wandering through life often feel this way because they don’t have one of the tangible markers they want to hold onto.

One student I met with was living in a constant state of conflict with her roommates. Nagging comments, passive-aggressive actions, and outright aggression made her home feel more like the stage of a soap opera. She came in looking for someone to tell her what to do to make things better. “Should I say something?” “Should I ignore it?” “How do I respond to this text?” All action-based, tangible measures.

Here’s the thing though: it was hard for her to determine what her next right step was because she didn’t know who she was and who she was becoming.

I saw the anger come across her face, in a way that was probably similar to how I looked at my college counselor when I received the challenge. I asked her, “Before you take action or consider what you might do, I want you to think on this: At the end of the semester, who do you want to be? What do you want your roommates to say about you? What kind of friend do you want to be?”

She left that day with no real action step, but rather an invitation into curiosity and a crack in the door of realizing what values-based living is.

In our conversations, we began to explore how the conflict she was experiencing felt heightened because it hit a part of her that was at the core of her human beingness. When her roommates made a comment about her family’s traditional meals, anger went from zero to one hundred real fast. Not because there was necessarily ill intent behind her roommates’ jokes, but because she valued her family’s culture and heritage. When this part of her felt targeted, she quickly went into defense mode.

When she began to reflect on who she wanted to be by the end of the semester, she realized she wanted to be someone who cared for others, who brought fun and whimsy to her community, and, above all, someone others trusted.

Deciding how to move through conflict became easier when she understood why she felt strongly about comments and actions and how her responses aligned with who she wanted to be.

And guess what? The fact that she drove a specific car, worked at a specific place, or was a specific major really didn’t help her navigate this experience.

Knowing that her family culture and traditions were at the core of her identity—and that she wanted to be someone others trusted, while also being someone who brought fun and whimsy—helped her realize that snapping back in anger was not the way forward. Instead, she learned to tell the truth with varying levels of vulnerability based on who she was speaking to. She went from wanting to roll her eyes, shake her head, and make an off-handed comment—all patterns of protection—to saying something like this:

“Hey, I see how it’s funny that we call this something different than you do. For my family, we have this tradition and I’d love to share it with you if you’d like. However, I would appreciate it if you didn’t make jokes about it, as this is something really special to me. I’m happy to joke about other things, but this is something close to who I am.”

This allowed for connection and one next right step as she moved toward becoming a trusted, fun, and caring friend.

So, who are you, and who are you becoming? Stripped of all your titles and positions, what’s left?

Maybe this is hard for you to answer. It’s abstract, not something we’re really taught to narrow in on.

One student let out a sigh while she dropped her head to look at her feet. I asked her to reflect on how she had intentionally lived over the last five years and consider how she wanted to live intentionally over the next two years. She came back and said, “Honestly, I sat and thought about this. I even Googled what this meant, and I have to tell you, I couldn’t come up with anything. I guess I don’t know what you really mean.”

I prompted her to pull out her phone and go to her FYP, noting any themes she saw. Then, she went to her bank account, scrolled through her charges, and noted where she spent her money. A quick glance at her planner helped us see where she spent her time. Finally, we explored what the topic of her last few conversations had been.

What was the point of all this? You can generally tell what you value by looking at where you spend your time and money. If you want to know what’s consuming most of your space, consider what you’ve been talking about with other people. And if you really want to be confronted with the truth of where your focus has been, scroll through any FYP or take note of what ads you’re being fed—because let’s be honest, social media is curating content that draws you in by knowing what you’re likely to click on and stay with for hours on end.

If you’re not happy with what you find, the good news is, you can start to redefine and live out new values.

The beauty of it all is that identity isn't a static thing. We get to define it, redefine it, and reorient ourselves in alignment with our true values. The discomfort of the unknown or the pressure of not having everything figured out doesn’t have to be a roadblock. It can be a call to curiosity. A reminder that who you are becoming is just as valuable as who you’ve been.

So, what would it look like for you to strip away the labels, the achievements, and the external markers of success? Can you make space for possibility, free from the weight of a future that hasn’t arrived?

Can you embrace the present moment, allowing the peace of simply being to lead you toward the person you’re becoming?

I believe the answer lies in this simple question: Who do you want to be, not what do you want to do. The way forward may not always be clear, but with curiosity, patience, and intentionality, we can move with purpose, grounded in who we are—and that is enough.